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It was a dark and stormy night..... Just kidding!
First let me say that I am not a writer! I will do the best I can to make this interesting and beneficial to others. It is my hope that something in this writing will help, encourage, give hope to or even motivate someone to seek the Lord!
Second, I will say that I am no different from anyone else. No better or worse than anyone! I am working hard to be a better person. With Gods help, to be a better man, a better Christian, a better father, friend, worker and eventually, a better husband. I get the feeling that God is pleased with my desire to learn and grow. And I know full well that He gets all the credit - He is the one that brought me here!
You can certainly read all of this (and I hope some of you do!) but it is rather lengthy! You may want to click on a section that interests you or come back to it later! I've also hi-lited some of the miracles that God has worked in my life!
You were made with the ability to make choices and you have a choice to make. It is the most important choice of your life. It's not where to go to college or who to marry, no... it's much more important than that! You can decide at any time but you don't know how much time you have....
The bible says that we are made in Gods image. God is a spirit and we are spiritual as well. We are designed to live forever! (Not these old bodies though!) Choosing God leads to eternal life! Not choosing is really choosing yourself over God which leads to eternal suffering. The responsibility for your salvation is yours. God will do the salvaging but it's up to you to ask Him into your life! He won't force His way in!
Updated February 2007
I
was raised in one of the large denominational churches. My memories of church
at that time are of not understanding, not growing, no joy....... boredom! Every
week was the same. They didn't explain what they were teaching. Didn't really
help us to understand why we should want to be Christians. I was told
that when I was 18 years old, I could decide to continue to go or not. So......
surprise! I quit going! After 18 years in church, I felt alone, hopeless, a
failure and eventually, suicidal. I could see no point in life. There are so
many people sitting in churches right now feeling exactly the same way! What
is wrong with this picture? Didn't Jesus promise us abundant life and
joy unspeakable?
Now, don't get me wrong! My parents are wonderful
people - they were only doing what they were taught, and I had a wonderful childhood.
There are many Christians in large denominational churches living joyful, abundant
lives. Unfortunately, too many people are taught that they don't need to have
a personal relationship with God. I think that it saddens God when people don't
want to be close to Him - they don't have time for Him. Don't believe that getting
to know His word is IMPORTANT! I also don't believe that He will look kindly
on those who are teaching these things!
God made Adam, then Eve. He dwelt with them in the garden - He wanted to have a close relationship with them! Why would He die for us if He didn't even want to be close to us? Why do we believe we can ignore the Almighty God and expect to be with Him in heaven? You're right....it doesn't make sense!
Updated February 2007
At
the age of 18 I started playing drums. Writing music with my two brothers -
it was a great time! Just out of high school, I also started getting into drinking
and drugs. Didn't have many friends and the girls didn't seem interested in
me. I needed something. Look at the people around you. They think that the hot
new car or boat or ATV etc., etc. will make them happy! Like them, I thought
it was "stuff" that would fill the void. A better car, better stereo,
maybe a girlfriend. I got so much into music that I think it became a "god"
to me - or at least was something I lived for, "worshipped", in a
way.
I think I always believed that there was a God but I didn't have a clue who he was or what he expected of me. Be kind, help others, tell the truth.....yawn....wake me up for dinner! How could he want me to be BORING? How did he expect me to get anywhere in life when I couldn't find a decent job, get a decent car, be liked by people, have a girlfriend? Why couldn't he tell me what to do? I got so frustrated and angry with life that I wanted it over. Why had I been put here anyway? Just to be tortured? I actually thought about going to the rocky shore of Lake Michigan, just me and my shotgun, and blowing my brains right out into the lake. Guess I didn't want to make a mess! I can't tell you how thankful I am that I never had the courage to do it! I remember crying out to....someone....for answers. I look back and see that as heartfelt prayer!
Eventually, I believed what I later found out
was some form of "Pantheism". The sum total of all creation is God!
The earth is a living being that sustains us all! I am a part of God! All fine
and dandy, but still.....what am I doing here? Who made all this? Is there any
purpose to this life? Why do I need to be kind and not steal and all that if
I'm just gonna die and that's all she wrote?! Isn't my life worth anything? Where is my motivation to be a
good person?
In
1988, at the age of 26, I was in a band called NEER, playing bars around southeastern
Wisconsin. We wrote all our own music and it was actually very good! I'm serious!
Through people involved in the band I met a girl who really liked me. The problem:
she was 13 years old. I resisted at first, but a year or so later we were sleeping
together. When she was 18 she told me she was pregnant. I was devastated! I
was already a loser, now this! What was I going to tell people? How was I going
to tell my parents? What were my options at this point in my life...?
I could have been selfish........but I married her. Again, I can't tell you how thankful I am! I have an awesome 15 year old boy who I am so proud of! He is so smart and talented and I wouldn't trade him for anything! He is a genuine miracle!
About two years into our marriage we were having problems. I had stopped doing drugs, but drinking was important to me. So much so, that I lied about it. Often, I'd drink a six pack on the 45 minute drive home after work. I'd just say I had a couple beers after work. I am including some of the "grisly details" of my life, not because they are "cool". I just want to show that there is hope for everyone, and many of you will identify with my struggles. Many more details I am leaving out because I don't want to hurt anyone. The past is past.
Around this time, two years into our marriage, we hit the rock bottom. Things got as bad as they could get. Divorce reared it's head. We decided to stay together for our son and turned our lives over to God. There was nothing else we could have done. If God was so good and all powerful, let's see what He would do! We began to study the bible and attend church...... together. We started to get an idea of who God was and how we were supposed to live. I know all the details about our marriage and I can tell you that without God's help, it would have been over before we got to our third anniversary. Instead, it lasted eleven years.
Updated May 2007
We had good times and bad times, all the while trying to learn how to be good Christians in this day and age. Sadly, we had precious few examples. What a surprise to hear how awesome it was to be a Christian, only to go to church to find a bunch of people who were burned out, depressed, unwilling to help others, bitter and scared of God.
Early on I remember trying to quit smoking several times... no luck! My two year old son was starting to pretend to smoke, just like Mom and Dad, and it really bothered me. I prayed and prayed but couldn't quit. Over the New Years weekend - must have been around 1997 - I became so sick for about three days that I just couldn't smoke. I never decided that I would try to quit again after I felt better - just didn't feel like smoking the first day, then the next. I remember lighting up once and just being grossed out by it! The days passed and I never wanted to go back! Oh, I felt the urge occasionally, but never so strong that I couldn't resist it. I haven't had a cigarette in about ten years and I'm so glad! Sometimes God answers prayer in ways that we wouldn't have expected - and that's COOL!!
The first church we went to taught so much fire and brimstone that my little boy would come to my bedside at night, crying, afraid that he wasn't going to get to heaven. They taught standards of dress and conduct so strict that most people were miserable and new people like us couldn't focus on the reason for being in church in the first place - building a relationship with God! It made us feel like everything was a struggle and that we would never be good enough. I remember that my wife wanted so badly to work in the Sunday school. It would have done her a lot of good and she was great with the kids. The church leaders were always asking for people to help out but my wife just wasn't up to their high standards. I remember that my wife called the Pastor, in tears, and he hung up on her. Needless to say, we left that place! We were there for about 6 years.
I should also mention that not everyone was as excited as we were about "finding" God. Our parents thought we were wacked out or in some kind of cult. Friends we had had for years didn't think we were cool any more. That was all kind of a shock to us! Here we thought people would be happy for us and want to hear about our experiences..... NOT!
You see, when you decide to follow Christ you will be hit with all kinds of things! Doubts, fears, you'll get so busy that you won't have time to go to church or pray, people will let you down, you'll get confused! Resist the devil and he will flee from you! He wants you to go through life unaware of the importance of your choice to obey God or not to obey god. The bible says that he is the father of lies so don't take him lightly! He has been dragging us down for thousands of years - he knows what he is doing and is very good at it. He will encourage your anger, selfishness, depression, pride, lust. He will keep you so busy you won't have time to read the bible or seek God! Resist the devil and he will flee from you! Keep hold of God and don't let go! (For more on this check out Red tights and horns and YOUR God from my Thoughts page)
During our time at that first church we had been trying to have a little girl to make our "perfect" family. My wife had several miscarriages and it seemed that God didn't want us to have another child. Of course now I know that His timing is always perfect! The doctors tried various things but without much success. Six years after our first son was born, after much prayer (especially on my wife's part), our second miracle child was born! Look in the bible, First Book of Samuel, Chapter one, and read about Hannah. You will understand why we named our second son Samuel!
We
moved to the other side of Wisconsin in 2003. There was a good Christian counselor
who was also a Pastor and had a church in town. I had been laid off for ten
months and found work there so it seemed like the thing to do. We learned a
lot about Gods love at that church and more about being Christ-like in today's
world. Unfortunately, our financial situation was bad! Going from a twenty-five
dollar an hour job to a ten month lay off to an eleven dollar an hour job had
left us in BAD shape! We were forced to claim bankruptcy. There was no possible
way to pay off the debt we had acquired while I had the "good" job.
Our Pastor, who was also our counselor, knew just about everything about us and our lives. He knew about what happened at our last church and why we left. He new that even though we were claiming bankruptcy, I was still going to pay for the counseling we had received. He knew that I was the one who handled the bills for our family. Considering all this, it was quite a surprise when one night after a Thanksgiving service, he took my wife into his office and blasted her about getting a letter in the mail about the bankruptcy and worrying that we were not going to pay him. Being the shrewd psychologist that he was, he knew exactly what to do to get us to leave. I can never know why he wanted us out - we had many friends there. He and my wife had a close counseling relationship together and during this time she lost lots of weight. Someone suggested to us that perhaps he was attracted to her and wanted us out for that reason. I'll never know. We were not even in that church for two years.
Sometimes I think that church has done as much to hinder my relationship with God as it has to strengthen it! The bible was all about love and victory - church was all about fear and failure. Is it any wonder that we were confused? All I ever wanted was to learn about God and how to live a life that was pleasing to Him in the real world of today. I wanted the joy and peace that He promised us in the bible. I wanted to feel that He was pleased with me - a child needs his Father's approval. I realize that church isn't bad - it's just certain people that mess things up, and they aren't necessarily bad either - just messed up like the rest of us! Jesus died for them too! It takes time to be able to love people that you can't stand!!
The subject of divorce came up several times throughout our marriage - thus the counseling, prayer and fasting, self help books, changing jobs, moving and other things as well. The last time it came up was around June 2005 when I couldn't possibly think of any way to make it continue. My wife moved out in August 2005 and became my ex-wife in February 2006.
Updated May 2007
Much of the marriage was hard and the whole divorce was hard. I do have to say though, that we truly loved each other and we have many wonderful memories as a husband and wife and as a family. We worked hard at it and grew a lot. We really were best friends. I'll always love the Mother of my boys but that love has changed. It's not the romantic kind any more, but more of a Christian love, a brotherly love. I wish the best for her! She has also grown considerably since the divorce and I am proud of her! Sixteen years together, eleven married, two wonderful sons. Suddenly I found myself alone again. After the initial shock sunk in and wore off, I got on the "emotional roller-coaster". I'd be angry then sad then worried then optimistic then start all over again. It was very bad for a while. I just hung on to God and got through it. After a couple of months of the "roller-coaster" I kind of got used to the idea of getting on with my life and started thinking of ways to get moving again.
I knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone, I wanted to marry again, but this time I wanted to make a careful, prayerful decision about it - one divorce is too many! I wanted to get the stress out of my life. I wanted to do some of the things I hadn't been able to while married. I wanted to get my financial situation under control. I wanted to improve myself - be a better man, a better Christian, father, friend, worker and eventually a better husband. This took months to figure out and God had His hand in it too - I prayed about it often.
My
first summer alone was.... restful... peaceful. I heat my house with wood in
the winter and I spent lots of time outside in the woods, cutting down trees,
sectioning and dragging them back to the house, cutting them to length, splitting
them and piling them in the yard to dry in the sun until fall. Satisfying work!
It gave me lots of time to think. I got plenty of sleep. I joined a couple of
Christian on line dating sites and began to search for lady friends. I read
lots of books that really helped my to start growing again.
Another thing I did was to focus on getting negative things out of my life. How can we have joy when there are so many negatives dragging us down? Smoking, drinking alcohol, foul language, drugs, nasty music with bad lyrics, pornography, movies with all of this stuff in them, even hanging out in bad places. In my case, God had already worked all this obvious stuff out of my life, but what about bad attitudes? What about hating that stupid person at work that always makes your job harder? That jerk that just cut you off on the highway? Looking at that pretty woman at the store and letting your mind wander., Losing your temper when something falls over or you hit your finger with the hammer? These are things that trouble all of us and they don't please God. But He is willing to help us weed these things out of our lives - we can't do it on our own. We need to pray for help with the things we struggle with and realize that it will take time to improve ourselves. The main thing is to START! We are never too old or too bad to start!
Are you thinking that all of this God stuff just isn't your thing? Well you are His thing! He knows more about you than you do! He has numbered the very hairs of your head! Think that your life is just fine without God in it? Think He gave up on you? He has plans for you that would blow your mind! He stands at your door, knocking. All you have to do is let him in! Think you can't give up the bad things you like? Don't worry, God will replace them with good things! Think you are too bad, too old, too far gone..... ? God is bigger than anything in your life! He specializes in salvaging junk lives and making them NEW! He did it for me and wants to do it for you!
The thing is, people just don't want to change - they are comfortable right were they are, even if they are miserable. Little do they know that there is a peace and a joy that surpasses all understanding. Little do they know that God longs for them to open up the door and let Him in! Little do they know the price they will pay if they don't take their choice seriously. Take it from one who's been there - I've tried all that the world has to offer and I can say that it pales in comparison to what God has for you! I would never go back to what I was! So... what are you waiting for? What is holding you back?
Check this out: If you think I'm wrong, then I will spend the rest of my life feeling healthy and alert, free from drugs and alcohol, living with joy and peace and purpose! I will die a happy man and that'll be it. But you will spend your life wondering what your here for, trying to find happiness, feeling lost. Weighed down by the things that you use to find happiness. On the other hand, if I'm right, (and I know I am!) I will spend eternity with my Father in heaven where all suffering will end! But you... you will spend your eternity suffering torments worse than any you can imagine, with no hope of escape. Ever. Sounds to me like I win either way!
If you ask me, the risk is just too great. There is only one real choice - to serve the God that created you and loves you enough to die for you! The bible says that we can "prove" God. That means that we can begin to follow His instructions (the bible) and see what He begins to do in our lives! Isn't it worth a month or two of your time to find out if God is real?! Just try it and see for yourself - I did!
So
here I am. Looking at my life, my car, my job, my bank account, you wouldn't
think I had much to be thankful for or joyful about. I thought I was a loser
for a very long time, but now I know that God thinks I am worth dying for! He
wants me to be with Him forever! He is constantly working in my life! Where
I live or what I drive doesn't have a whole lot of meaning for me anymore. What
does mean a lot to me is pleasing my God, teaching my boys what I've
learned, striving to be a man of honor and a servant to others! So
here I am. More joyful than I've ever been, feeling the peace that comes from
knowing that I'm on the right track! God has blessed me much more than I deserve!
And He's not even done with me yet!! God heard the desperate cry of
a young man and in His perfect way, in His perfect timing, He answered.......
©Copyright 2009-2010, Tom Mroczek
